October 2, 2011

Real Self

Last week was up and down. Some days I felt completely connected, real, and free. Other days I felt obsessed by externals and allowed ego to drive my actions. And some days were a mix of both (ah, as is much of life :)). I pushed hard at work on Friday, but then relaxed into a wonderful evening of delicious food, great beer, and tap-your-toes music. Saturday began leisurely. Then was filled with emotion, support, friendship, and sharing at the Down Syndrome Awareness walk in Neenah. (Bless you, Madeline Mae, for bringing us all together.) But then ego hooked me again, and I raced right from the lovely walk to hours of errands.

I know, what was I thinking? Well, I can tell you what my ego/non-truth-telling voice was saying: "If you complete all these errands now, then you'll be okay, and you can relax tomorrow." But wait! My fear-based ego voice never lets me relax. There's never a time I'll have everything wrapped up. So, again, why did I listen yesterday? Who knows. Perhaps because I was filled with difficult emotions. Or maybe it was just old habit.

The good news is I more quickly realize when I'm in the throes of non-stop doing (with little being and feeling). Yay! I realize it. Yesterday that aha moment came at the grocery store. I took out my grocery list and on the list I saw "real self." I paused for a moment--did Mark find my list and add "real self" as a reminder for me? No, this was my writing. But I didn't purposely write it. YET, it seemed so poignant: of course I should find my real self at the grocery store--why wait another second?

Then I recognized what I actually wrote: "Real Salt" (it's my salt brand of choice). I laughed out loud in the produce aisle. In fact, I couldn't stop chuckling during the whole grocery run. And, in that process, I did actually find my real self.

[Here's a picture of my real self playing an arcade game when my nephew visited in July.]

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