January 27, 2013
I notice a pattern in my blog posts. Sometimes I share a tender piece of me; I expose my interactions with difficult emotions (e.g., sadness, shame, doubt, fear). This is my path: telling my story as authentically as possible; creating community through vulnerability. Yet after each of these vulnerability posts, there is ego backlash. Ego harshly whispers in my ear: people will think you're depressing; people won't like you anymore; people will see something is really wrong with you.
I recognize the ego-driven doubt cycle; I see it clearly. And I try to sit with it. I allow the fear to enter my body; I send myself loving-kindness; I notice the fear doesn't overwhelm me, in fact it dissipates; and I do this over and over again. I try not to act from a place of fear. But I recognize something else: I'm always relieved when I have an idea for my next blog post, especially if the post is more upbeat. That is, I don't take action out of fear--I don't purposefully create a deflection post--but I'm relieved when the (upbeat, creative) deflection post arises naturally.
Yesterday I wrote about shame. Today I feel fear and doubt. But this is not a deflection post. This is the truth about my internal backlash on sharing my shame. And I'll let both these posts sit for a while--no deflection needed (only trust).