August 25, 2013

Life is Difficult


I feel helpless. Not the helplessness that might accompany depression (on the contrary, I am filled with and empowered by choice). But I feel helpless with regard to my mom's pain and suffering. And she's really suffering. 

I shared my raw sadness when mom moved to a care center. It's been a life-long process to understand I can't save her. Yet I still relied on my ability to help her. When I sat with her compassionately, I could see her relax. When I listened, she smiled appreciatively. I didn't realize how tightly I clung to those moments--those moments when I could see my mom's response. I helped her. 

Now she's flat: unresponsive, lost in depression, hopeless.  And I'm helpless. It's a new layer of grief.


It's hard to reconcile that being helpless doesn't equate to not caring. It's easy to understand intellectually (I know I can't help her, yet I still love her). But emotionally, it's a more difficult truth to embrace. I love her, so I really want to help her. That's the place in myself I'm trying to nurture. When I feel helpless, I let myself cry. I let myself love my mom; grieve her. And I try to be kind with myself. 


This weekend, I had space (in the peacefulness of nature) for reflection. I realized I'd probably had my last meaningful interaction with my mom. And it wasn't when I visited in July; it was back in May. I showed her photographs and asked her about the hardships she felt. We had a conversation. It may have been our last. Even though her physical body could keep her alive for years.


I've grieved my mom in many ways over many years. It's been difficult to be her daughter. But I don't want the difficult times to overshadow the positive moments--and they exist, to be sure. Sylvia Boorstein talks about a plaque she saw in the early years of her meditation practice. The plaque read, "Life is so difficult, how can we be anything but kind?" What a beautiful way to work with the difficult. Be kind. And where did I learn kindness? From my mom. From her I learned empathy (deep empathy) and the importance of small kindnesses. 

My mom has lived a difficult life; and she's also kind. I love her, yet I can't help her. I'm gathering memories from her friends. Lovely, poignant memories that honor my mom--the pieces of her that depression has eclipsed, but that I can always hold in my heart. 

8 comments:

  1. Joy,
    My heart is heavy for you and your mom. Yes, you exude your mom's kindness and empathy. In fact, you couldn't feel the anguish you do if you didn't care for and love her as much as you do. thanks for your honest, heartfelt post. Life is difficult AND complicated...your kindness makes it brighter. Sending a love filled hug to you!

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    1. i so appreciate that love-filled hug, steph! and your understanding. thank you.

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  2. "Life is so difficult, how can we be anything but kind?" Oh these are beautiful words, words I so need to remember. It is hard to watch as a parent slips away. It is good you are seeking memories from her friends and your deep understanding of the need to do so is good. My heart is heavy for you also, wishing I had words to help you through this. But there are none, just understanding. Beautiful post Joy.

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    1. thanks, cathy. yes, understanding means so much.

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  3. Great post, Joy. I can relate to that feeling of helplessness. I lost my dad to Alzheimers. He was my hero. The slipping away took so long that I couldn't remember the last meaningful conversation. In the end, just sitting with him felt precious. I didn't want it to end. We honor them with memories and with stories. You're doing that. You're beautifully expressing love for your mom...through that she will live forever.

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    1. thank you, dear friend. thanks for sharing your own story (i hold your dad in my heart). it feels better to share these difficult times with others. and, of course, we all experience the difficult.

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  4. Thank you for writing this post. I look forward to following this blog. (I've just started a mindfulness class; looking for inspiration and finding it in many places, including in your writing.)

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    1. what a lovely comment to receive. thank you! welcome to my blog, bob.

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