January 3, 2012

Belonging


It's human nature to want to be liked and to belong. This is something with which I struggle. I want people to like me--in fact, to love me. I want this from my family, friends, students,  and colleagues. Yet when I push for this--that is, external affirmations rather than internal centeredness--I lose sight of my authenticity.

In his book, The Courage to Teach, Parker Palmer openly talks about a class where he fervently tried to engage one particular student; and in doing so, he lost his focus and the bigger-picture of learning. He lost the entire class by focusing on being liked by one student. Such is the human condition. And, as a teacher who really wants my students to learn (and to respect and like me!), I can relate.

Recently I read an interview with Desmond Tutu. When asked about the trait he least likes about himself: the fact that he loves to be loved. Yes, that external validation is SO alluring. Our egos can turn it into the reality--the thing for which we must strive. But, when we constantly search  for okay-ness outside of ourselves, we actually lose our connection. That is, authentic connection is a very different thing from belonging.

Connection comes from a deep self-awareness that we are okay just the way we are. When we are connected (to others & to ourselves), we believe in our basic goodness. When we long to be loved, we doubt our basic goodness. True connection is filling; the search for belonging is depleting.

Every day, I walk the path between wanting to be loved and knowing in my heart I am okay. When I'm mindful, I fully understand that trusting my authentic self actually leads to more connection, more learning, more loving, & more happiness. I know this in my heart, yet I must continue to remind myself. Such is the life path--a path on which I'm grateful to travel, and on which I know I have much (connected) company.

3 comments:

  1. I love the ambivalence of the opening picture. Do the socks belong? They are both argyles, BUT they do not match. Excellent visual selection to open the comments with!

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  2. Somehow I have spent most of the afternoon revisiting your blog, Joy! Upon rereading this one, I am struck by a memory of one of my favorite passages from the Old Testament. As usual, I cannot quote the reference exactly, but one of the major players in the Old Testament is told by God to deliver a message to the people. So the person (Moses?) asks God, "Whom shall I say sent me?" God replies, " Say 'I Am' sent you."

    That is true authenticity! The I Am without which there is no other is certainly an interesting way to think about God. But each of us, in a small way is an 'I am.' We may not have all the capabilities of a god, but we ARE. And thus we are authentic. We just have to find that 'I am' within ourselves and cherish it.

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  3. Yes, each of us is an "I am," just as each of us is the Buddha. Yet it takes great wisdom, mindfulness, and kindness to recognize and live from the I-am/Buddha, rather than the ego chatter in our minds. Difficult, yet incredibly rewarding work.

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