It's Not a F***ing Book
The reality has hit: I'm no longer a professor. School is not my structure. Instead, I take photographs, connect with people, write short pieces for my blog and longer pieces for possible publication. I make space for my writing--how can I share in a way that's new, interesting, and honest? What's my authentic voice?
Yet ego cares little about authenticity. My ego wants a print book with a respected publishing house. Oh, and a great review from the New York Times--something like, "Jordan writes intelligently, yet with raw emotion. Her insights are keen and her writing is beautiful." I shouldn't be surprised. In academia, a well-respected book is the path to success. But I'm so tired of ego's expectations.
I often write free-hand in a notebook before typing on my laptop. During these writing sessions, my emotions flow and creative seeds are planted. Recently a mantra arose: it's not a f***ing book! I'm writing to find my voice; to see what has heat. I'm writing to write, not to produce. And my work might take unusual forms--shapes I won't recognize for months. Like I said, it's not a f***ing book. This makes me smile every single time. It's my (foul-mouthed) bell of mindfulness that brings me back to myself. It brings me back to why I love writing, even when the process is hard.
My ego is focused on external validation. It sabotages the very work I hold dear. And it's speaking very loudly right now. Because at the end of the month, I no longer get a paycheck. Can I make a living through my writing? I don't know. But I'll try. And in this way, I stay true to myself.
there is a lot of truth this post, joy. i think Ego really needs to get kicked to the curb now and then.
ReplyDeletethanks, katie. cheers to kicking ego to the curb!
DeleteWhen I quit teaching a few years back I wondered what would define me. For years I had been a mother, than a teacher and suddenly I was faced with just me. I write. Not very good, but I write every day. I never looked at it as a way to make money, and I imagine that would add to the pressure big time. The joy and the need for it are what keep me going and most of it is not seen by anyone other than me. You do write beautifully, from your heart and with such emotion. I would hear about writers who would say they just needed to write and I would think, well duh... look at your words, look at how they flow right off the page. Have you seen my scribble I wonder, my mis-spellings, my horrible grammar. But the need is true and there and has such a pull at times. I wish I could sit with you and talk about this. I feel you could teach me so much. "Jordan writes with such a strong heart, her motive are clean and she always makes me think." xoxo
ReplyDeletecathy! this comment is just so wonderful--at many levels. thank you, my dear friend. i hope we can have that sit-down chat sometime.
DeleteLove and resonate with what you say about writing here. It's not a f***ing book...yes! I am at a very different vantage point in my life than your own...but I see similarities...instead of quitting a job to pursue a more fulfilling life {including writing, along with other pursuits}, I am opting to not return to work...even though all my children will be school aged as of this Fall, so of course I should be "doing something".
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Leah
leah, thanks for stopping by my blog. and thanks for this thoughtful comment. cheers to you!
Delete"It's my (foul-mouthed) bell of mindfulness..."
ReplyDeletePure. Gold. xo
(Yeah, I know I'm feeding ego, but too bad. It's true.)
Bang fucking on. You make me smile. It's wonderful to see your words. Let me review the not fucking book. I'll do a freelance review. Ego. Cape Breton ate mine but I'm sure it'll be back this weekend. I need to not water it.
ReplyDeleteLove to you.
oh, pam, thank you, thank you. this was just the thing i needed to hear.
Delete