Reflection

Last week I wrote about my back-to-school slow down. It was a lovely and mindful first day of classes. And then my old habits kicked in. My habits of not pausing during the day, pressing on with a project even when I feel tired, expecting too much production from myself. These habits reappeared so quickly. New academic year, same habits.

Sometimes I tell myself the story that it's the students, my colleagues, or the Lawrence community that creates my busyness and urgency. I was mindful enough last week to notice this story is untrue. Who creates this busyness and urgency? I do. It's my ego working overtime; my inner-critic knows the new school year provides opportunity to sneak in unnoticed. Then I start believing the stories: this project must be finished right now, if I don't have every detail ready for class it will be a disaster, I must respond to all these emails right now.

Sneaky ego. It got me again. But then I noticed. And this week I've made some changes. Slowed my pace; let the feeling of urgency pass; set more realistic expectations; experienced and enjoyed my time in the classroom. Ultimately, this life path is inner-work and self-reflection. I'm the one who creates my own suffering, yet I'm also the one who creates my own happiness, peace, and contentment. The externals are just that: external. They are things over which I have no control. (She says, while still desperately wanting some control.) So who is ultimately the boss of me? Me. If I need some rest, kindness, reassurance, love, or wisdom, I only need look into my own eyes and heart: