September 19, 2012

Reflection


Last week I wrote about my back-to-school slow down. It was a lovely and mindful first day of classes. And then my old habits kicked in. My habits of not pausing during the day, pressing on with a project even when I feel tired, expecting too much production from myself. These habits reappeared so quickly. New academic year, same habits.


Sometimes I tell myself the story that it's the students, my colleagues, or the Lawrence community that creates my busyness and urgency. I was mindful enough last week to notice this story is untrue. Who creates this busyness and urgency? I do. It's my ego working overtime; my inner-critic knows the new school year provides opportunity to sneak in unnoticed. Then I start believing the stories: this project must be finished right now, if I don't have every detail ready for class it will be a disaster, I must respond to all these emails right now.

Sneaky ego. It got me again. But then I noticed. And this week I've made some changes. Slowed my pace; let the feeling of urgency pass; set more realistic expectations; experienced and enjoyed my time in the classroom. Ultimately, this life path is inner-work and self-reflection. I'm the one who creates my own suffering, yet I'm also the one who creates my own happiness, peace, and contentment. The externals are just that: external. They are things over which I have no control. (She says, while still desperately wanting some control.) So who is ultimately the boss of me? Me. If I need some rest, kindness, reassurance, love, or wisdom, I only need look into my own eyes and heart:

10 comments:

  1. Super leaf shots...and my favourite is the one of your wonderful open face and joyful smile! (seems to me that your parents chose the right name for you!)

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  2. love the autumn colors in your area. At least you caught yourself chasing those external stimuli.

    joining the 52 meme.

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  3. Found my way to your blog from 52 photos projects. Thank you for your insights to mindfulness. They are resonating with me. I am not one for new year's resolutions, I usually start something new in September instead and right now I am taking in the moments, trying to be more mindful. Trying to remain present even when the cheeky gremlin is running riot in my head.....just need a moment to breathe and be.

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  4. Thank you all for visiting my blog. And especially big thanks for your heartfelt comments.

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  5. i got here late from 52picturesproject and i have to say i just love your pictures and the inside in your life!!

    i'll sure visit again!!

    katrin

    maybe you want to visit back?!
    me-dlux.blogspot.de

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  6. I get this, and believe me, you are not alone.
    Loving the photos you've shared this week!

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  7. I'm glad you took the time to collect and share your reflections. It's so hard to slow down and take care of ourselves and not feel as if that is "doing nothing".

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  8. It's difficult to break old habits, isn't it? Practice... practice... practice. You're worth it. ;)

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  9. Kate: Thanks for those simple words: "You're worth it." Means a lot in this particular moment.

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