March 18, 2014

The Inner Nurturer


Last week, I read Hardwiring Happiness by Rick Hanson. He describes how to enrich and absorb positive experiences; how to take in the good. We humans are interesting. Our brains are wired with a negativity bias. For example, when you look back on your day, what do you remember? Typically the negative events stand out in our minds. We recall in great detail our mistakes, frustrations, and undone work. Yet we forget our successes, connections, and joys. We focus on the remaining to-do list rather than all the things we did. We worry about an awkward interaction with a coworker rather than savoring time with loved ones. 

The good news is that we can change our wiring. We can take in the good, regularly and in varied ways. I've been practicing for two weeks and I already see a difference. I'm more open and less resistant to life. I'm happier. When I feel fear, I notice--in an embodied way--that in this moment, I'm not in danger; I'm safe. When I make a meaningful connection, I savor the feeling. When I complete a task I've long put off, I do a happy dance. I celebrate the yays, however small. 


My inner-critic, though, doesn't want to be happy. That voice calls this new practice silly, soft, and naive. As explained by Hanson: "In some senses, the psyche can be divided into three parts: a core self, an inner nurturer, and an inner critic. The inner nurturer is caring, protective, guiding, and encouraging, while the inner critic is judging, belittling, doubting, fault-finding, and shaming. A little bit of the the inner critic is helpful, but during childhood and adulthood, many of us acquire a loud and scathing inner critic and a relatively quiet and feeble inner nurturer. The core self can feel beleaguered, getting yelled at by a big inner critic while the inner nurturer murmurs kindly but helplessly in the corner. We all need a strong inner nurturer both to keep the inner critic in check and to give us the support life demands." 


I say YES to the inner-nurturer. An inner-nurturer who stands strong against the critic; who doesn't murmur but sings. The inner-nurturer pushes us forward yet provides a soft space to land. The inner-critic is never happy. I want my inner-nurturer to hold more space in my psyche. I want this for everyone. We can take in the good--let it sink into our bones; let it nourish us. We can allow ourselves to be happy.

4 comments:

  1. Most of all I love to see your happy face!! Sounds like a really good book. Did you know tomorrow isn't only the first day of spring, it's International Happiness day. I got a magazine all about happiness. It's so cool. I need constant reminders because it's so true how we can reflect on our day and the negative stands much taller than the positive. It's like swimming against the current. I always love yours posts, they pump me up. Love your friend Tracie

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    1. tracie, i love when you stop by. yes, today is the international day of happiness. it delights me that there's a day devoted to happiness. hugs to you!

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  2. I have come back three time now to read this. Wow, I must check out this book. It is so true, when I stop to think about it, how we so focus on the negative. It is like the huge elephant in the room, and always in our way. You have taught me so much Joy. The photos are lovely and I love to see you here, all smiles and so positive. Thank you!

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    1. cathy! it warms my heart to know you stopped by three times. i look forward to the day when we get to talk in person (i know it will happen). thanks for your thoughtful words. i always love to see you.

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